No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
