My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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