Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
