This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
