Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you had me at cake vodka
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
