I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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