you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
