i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
