If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
