I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
