HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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