Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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