I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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