listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
