Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
