I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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