I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
