Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
