Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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