Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
