Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
