You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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