i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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