I like to think it a success when the cops are called
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
