I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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