Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize