I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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