How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
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