I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.