I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
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It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's