Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
