Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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