I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name