Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Randomize
