some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
