The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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