I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
