i think my tv is drunk
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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