omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
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He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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