Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
