he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
