bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize