He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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