a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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