Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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