Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
