I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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