Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
