How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
