3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
