This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
