What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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