im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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