Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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