I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
