Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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