It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
