I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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