i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
