Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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