Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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