I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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